Is this a morbid way of Christian love for Christ?why?

I can not puncture the hand's of the messiah. The lord will make my soul perfect for heaven, and I will seek and seek and stretch my mind toward heaven to find another way. The way I see it you crusify christ when you die...you die in sin you are a sinner, his blood was shed for you. For me when I die I will die righteous for the Lord perfected me in this life, and when I die I was perfected by Gods hand, this way the messiah did not have to shed a drop of blood for me. I did not have to hurt the messiah to get into heaven, for God created heaven in me, and as I walked I was granted heaven. Whether or not I die or am taken like someone else that was taken in the bible, because God excepted me. HE crafted me on earth, as he pottered and perfected me and when he is done, I no longer walk my own way, but the ways of God and heaven.....you just die in your own way...a sinner needing the blood to get into heaven. I die in his ways or taken...righteous. Understand?